so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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