Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
