im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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