Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
