So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
