I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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