im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
