So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
vagina is talking i cant
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
