I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
