I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
