I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
