Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
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