Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
