I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
