this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
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I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
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I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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