my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
