he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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