Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
