and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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