So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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