my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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