people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
The best revenge is premature balding
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
