trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
