Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
