Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
