I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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