I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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