All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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