time to smoke my breakfast
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
