I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Sober January is a disaster.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
