every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
