i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
