Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
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I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
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I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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