just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Randomize
