I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
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the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
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Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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