So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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