mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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