I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
