Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Drunk is not a location!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
