Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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