can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
