Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
