Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
