i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
