There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
