1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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