I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
