its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I have fence marks all over my body
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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