the condom got lost in my hair
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
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I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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