Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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