How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
