Ambien. No doubt about it.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
