At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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