Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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