I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
