To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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