I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
